2025-01-19

A Heartfelt Message To TikTok Users

Hello, former TikTok users. I come to you in a time of great mourning. I say this with sincerity. It’s hard to lose anything you enjoy.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend moving away, an app, or a shoe that you love. The left shoe, or the right one.

I, myself, have never used TikTok.

I don’t take any pride in that sentence. I think some people as old as I am happily declare they are out of touch. I do not.

I used to be pretty on top of internet culture. Ahead of the curve even. As time went on, and I got older, and new things cropped up that didn’t immediately make sense to me, I didn’t always bother using them.

I did other things. Things that were not TikTok.

And now TikTok is gone.

Being out of touch isn’t cool. This is after all, old old, cool cool. So I say with confidence: It’s not cool to be out of touch.

I don’t think I’m very out of touch. I certainly don’t reject or hate the culture that spawns from TikTok.

I guess when I say I AM out of touch, what I’m saying is: Someone says aloud: ‘So demure. That was so TAS.’, which leaves me thinking: “well that didn’t make any sense”.

And because that happens more often these days than in the past, it leaves me feeling out of touch.

I’ll look into the things I don’t understand. Read the origin of phrases, inside jokes and the like.

Though, like shooping the whoop, or all your base belonging to us, or millhouse not being a meme. If you weren’t there at the time, an explanation alone rarely lets you connect with the idea.

And like I said, I don’t use TikTok.

I have never used the app. Not a single time.

I’d like to start this TikTok message off by inducing a little bit of anger towards me, the conveyor of the message.

And perhaps a little shame in you the reader.

I do intend for this to happen. If it doesn’t, I suck at conveying the message.

Or . . . you’re not that upset about losing TikTok.

One or the other.

And so! TikTok! This part is for those of you who are just merely a user!

Not those who are building a ‘career’ out of making TikTok videos (haha, CAREER! (That laugh about it not being a career was sarcasm!!(Before it was gone, it used to be a real career! I believe that!))).

Though I’ll get to the career builders shortly.

I’m sure TikTok made you, the TikTok user, feel feelings. Lots of feelings. Deep, beautiful, wonderful feelings of all kinds.

I’m positive you felt connected to people when you watched their videos.

And if you made a video now and again for fun, the people who commented on yours.

I’m positive you made memories on there. You even felt involved with big events. Big AND cool events.

I know these things, as I’ve experienced similar things about from kinds of internet places.

Heck, I still do!

And here’s where the aforementioned shame might come in.

You can get those feelings, with more connection to your goals, your purpose, and with greater magnitude, in all kinds of different places.

We as humans, are exceptional at feeling connected to other people. Whether that persons is a funny little dancing man on TikTok, shouting at shoes.

Or a friend watching TikTok compilations on your TV, sitting right beside you.

HEY! Maybe there’s an aspiring fire fighter reading this!

An aspiring fire fighter who was watching TikToks about fighting fires, day in and out.

I suppose fires are a little bit on my mind right now.

And maybe all those videos of fire fighting inspired you, the aspiring fire fighter reading this, to aspire to fight fires yourself.

And that was because of TikTok!

Without Tiktok, you might never have felt so inspired about anything in your life before!

And now you’re gunna be a guy who gets out there and fights fires!

You’re thinking: I wanna be a firefighter too!! This is the path for me!!

And maybe you really do wanna be a firefighter. Or maybe you just feel like you do. And you aren’t actually going to be one.

I can’t know. I invented you as I convey this message.

I’m just making a big guess here, but if your goal is to be a firefighter: I’m positive off of TikTok, an app I’ve never used,

you could find activities, places, people, that would make you feel connected to real firefighters. In a way TikTok never could.

Did you know, fire fighters put on all kinds of events?

And not just events where young women go and try to date firefighters because they think firefighters are fit and hot.

Hot like, cause they fight fires. Heroically. Caring heavy equipment, and carrying dogs outta windows.

Which at least one of my friends has actually done, and then gone on to tell me about. They thought “Fire Fighting Dating Event? I’m so there.”

Anyway, firefighters, they spend a lot of time not fighting fire. So they put on all kinds of events and shows and things.

On any given day when there’s a lack of fires, which is most days hopefully.

I’m willing to bet you can go meet firefighters somewhere. Check their fire fighter web page.

It might also be an instagram, or facebook page. TikTok’s gone now, so it won’t be a TikTok anymore, but in the past it might have been.

But they’ve got tons of events planned, guaranteed!

Did you know that?

TikTok might have already taught you that. I might just be speaking to choir here.

I’ve never used TikTok, so maybe they don’t tell that kinda secret info on there. I’m gunna be doing a lot of guessing here.

All I’m getting at is, of all the feelings that you experienced on TikTok, you can have great similar experiences in all kinds of other places too.

I ain’t no oracle, but I’m pretty sure, these other things that aren’t TikTok, might be the best experiences you ever have in your entire life.

Now, I want you to think of the penguin.

The penguin.

Yeah. The penguin.

Like a, like an Arctic penguin.

They live on ice sheets in big colonies.

I don’t. . . know much about penguins. I’m not a penguin expert. Never read a single book about them. Maybe an article or two.

But as far as I can recall, I learned everything I know about Penguins from the movie about the surfing penguin.

With the little yellow flappy thing on his head. Who hates being a penguin because he’s terrible at it and gets no ladies.

Those little penguins, not just the ones that get no ladies, they have two states of being.

They’re either on the ice or in the water.

When they’re in the water it’s a living nightmare. Stress becomes them.

They need to catch fish, they need to do it fast, and they need to do it while evading death from above, below, every which way.

Cough, cough, cough. I’m coughing. Just had to cough real quick, sorry about that.

Penguins are fast. Like, TAS fast.

They can catch fish, THEN BOOK IT BACK TO SHORE, faster than you can read this article.

But it’s very stressful. Everything about being in the ocean as a penguin is extremely stressful.

It could be fun. Uh, maybe sometimes it’s a little fun.

But most of the time it’s not fun. Can’t be a fun time.

And then they go on land, where they got a small selection of activities.

They can sit and wait till they’re hungry again.

They can squawk around and talk to a friend or two.

Or maybe try to hit up a bird, rizz up a hot bird that catches their eye.

Have a child. Sit on eggs. Barf food down their child’s throat.

Much unlike the water activity of fishing, the ice is super chill.

Though perhaps like the little penguin in the surfing penguin movie, not finding a mate if you’re a dumb idiot bad at penguin stuff is stressful.

But most penguins, again: I don’t know anything about penguins, just assuming here. Most penguins aren’t losers.

So, back to TikTok. If you find yourself as a penguin, chilling on the ice.

And someone offers you TikTok instead of doing whatever else it is on the ice penguins do.

I don’t think their lives change that much.

Right? You’re sitting on eggs, and you’re squawking, or waiting for sunlight.

And you’re looking at TikTok now sometimes too.

That life ain’t so different.

You got your ice, you got your water. Water still stressful, can’t tiktok in the water. But now you can watch videos to pass the time on the ice.

So, now bringing this message back around town to people, maybe you’re a person who uses TikTok while sitting on the toilet.

Or maybe you’re a, you’re a . . . long haired person. Who uses TikTok when you’re waiting for your hair to dry because you refuse to blow dry it, avoiding heat induced hair damage.

Or you use TikTok on the bus going to your stressful water job, which you don’t like that much.

OR. OR or or. You’re the person reading this right now.

Who uses TikTok to fill any moment you’re bored. At home in bed. On the couch, watching a show.

In a gosh darn movie theater. Like.. just everywhere. You gotta ward off the boredom. Because you think of every moment you’re not on Tiktok as being like that penguin who is forced to chill on the ice.

But you’re a person!! You don’t have to be an ice chilling penguin kinda guy.

You can go to forests, and streets, and roads, and sidewalks, and restaurants, and bars, and gyms. You can surf!!

And you can get in cars, and you can go to shows. Did you know people like to entertain each other all the time??

You can meet those people!! Talk to them about stuff they do!!

Because you’re interested in what they’re doing, and they’re, you know, they’re interested in the fact that you’re interested as well!

So the point is you, you don’t wanna be a penguin.

That’s hard. Penguins would like TikTok. I they were so stupid.

But if you feel like TikTok fits into your life as well as it would the penguins.

I would encourage you, trying not to make you feel too much shame or anger at me, to just go try new stuff!

I have to say, to you dear reader, I’m making this one off the top.

I kinda feel like TikTok’s off the top.

You know, scrolling on down. The videos just popping up, one after another, after another.

Here comes a video!

Oh, nice. Haha. Great video!

That’s never happened to me, I’ve never used TikTok.

I’ve seen people use TikTok. So I thinks it a pretty good description of what using TikTok is like.

Leave a little comment here. Tap that one, heart.

The videos never stop coming!! Until the app says “YO, you’ve been doing this too long!!”

And then you ignore that and keep doing it more. Or maybe you don’t because you’re trying to do other stuff.

But there’s not a lot of thinking involved. Watching tiktok.

And here, conveying to you this message, I wanted the same sort of TikTok like user experience.

I wanted to write this, with TikTok Energy.

A lot of times when I convey a message, I will spend a lot of time thinking about it.

And I’ve thought about this message a little bit.

Prior to sitting down and recording this message. Oh drat. I was not supposed to tell you, I was recording this as audio. Anyway.

I was in the shower, and I was doing the same thing I’m doing now. Saying stuff, without a lot of thinking.

And while I did it, I jotted down in my mind some of things that I wanted to be sure to include.

I promised myself two things, one, I would only record once. And that was it.

And two, I wouldn’t edit. No edits. None. A straight, true to exactly what I said, transcription.

And the audio, proving such. Posted here, at the end of this post for those of you insane enough to want to hear me recite this entire thing you just read.

Don’t scroll now, I know you miss scrolling so dearly, but you have to read the whole thing first before listening.

Well, you don’t but, uh, uh. I can’t control you. Try as I might.

So this might be good or bad, but heck baby, THAT’S TIKTOK!

So having said all that, I am now speaking to those of you hoping that TikTok could change your life for the better.

By providing income in the form of a creative outlet, only partly appealing to a global audience of people whose attention you must retain to earn money.

The idea that you can create things that you love, to make your living. A beautiful idea. I love that idea.

I think, unfortunately, I don’t quite agree that TikTok lets anyone do that.

And I maybe no one agrees with that framing in the first place.

Maybe I’ve invented the framing “I’d like to use TikTok to create beautiful things and be paid for it!

So screw me if I did.

Though, I think at least one person listening.. or I already said listening.

I wanted to hide that it was audio, too late for that. And I can’t edit it. I mean, you know, oh, Jesus. Oh.

Oh. Let me have a little bit of a, a meltdown here in 12 minutes into this.

I mean, I’ve I really messed that one up.

I really wanted to oh, I really wanted to just could say “convey message” and well, you know. See, I was gonna write, I was gonna write this too. Transcribe it. No edits.

I was gonna transcribe it, and then, then you you could read it.

And then if you’re crazy, you could listen to it. Like, if you were like, man, I just loved reading that.

Let me listen to him say it outloud, exactly as written. No edits, no staging, just like a TikTok video. One Take.

Or more likely, you wanted to hear me say if because you have lots of free time to kill, now that TikTok is gone.

But, back to the creator.

So the creator, aspiring creator, I think if you’re like a rich TikTok guy, this hurts a lot.

I really hope you diversified your portfolio of attention monetization businesses online.

Did a little, youtubin’, instagrammin’, and what have you.

Because if not. Your life just got real hard.

But for the aspiring TikTok person who had not yet ‘made it’.

Maybe you felt on the cusp of picking up steam.

Or were about to blow up!

Weeks away from a key algorithm change!!

An algorithm which for years was unkind to your genius content. That everyone who watched it said it deserved way more views!!

I say to you: It’s rare that anyone actually makes a living on any social media paltform.

Like, almost any other career, besides literally acting, is easier to learn and grow into.

Being a video game developer: WAY easier. Way more people do it!

Being a chef?? Easier!! Apple employee?? Easier!!

Though perhaps you wanted to be a TikTokker desperately. This was your one thing. YOUR thing.

Well I have good news. There’s 170,000,000 American as hell users out there now.

Orphaned. Craving something to fill the time!! And now you have a rare opportunity to try to jump in front of them.

Ultra kick start your career.

It still sucks though.

I said I wanted this to be almost exactly 15 minutes and here we are at 14:38.

Now that I’ve already revealed I’m recording it audio wise, I don’t have to hide that fact.

So in the last 10 seconds, I’ll just say it sucks that you’re losing TikTok. I feel for you. I’ve lost internet things too.

I don’t know if they were cooler, I never used TikTok. But I miss ’em.

Despite all that, you’ve got an opportunity to fill a piece of your life with something novel.

And that’s kind of beautiful, so keep that head held high.

One door closes, another opens.